| It's My Absolutely Ridiculous in the Best Way Possible Life, So They Tell Me |
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| New Blog |
[22 Jul 2009|12:35am] |
I have a new blog now. I'm moving onto bigger and better places. Farewell LiveJournal, you have been oh so good to me all of these years.
http://justfiveletters.wordpress.com
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF OF LIVEJOURNAL FOR GOOD. I THINK. I'M NOT GOOD WITH COMMITMENT...
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| It's 2am and I'm not writing a song |
[12 Jul 2009|01:39am] |
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Yup, it's 2am and I'm not writing a song. This is a lame pop song reference, not one that states that I expect you to think I normally would only be staying up to compose music with accompanying lyrics.
I can't sleep. Maybe it's the unfinished Hong Kong style milk tea from Phoenix I finished at midnight. Or I've got too much on my mind--it's probably the latter. Typical.
This time, I didn't want to wrestle around in bed and play the count the leaping zombies game (I'm not a fan of agile animals though sheep normally wouldn't hop over fences), so I grabbed my laptop and quietly (most unsuccessfully, thank you creaky old floorboards) left my sleeping roommate to set up camp at the dining table (this paragraph had too many parentheticals, yeah?).
And here I am.
I haven't blogged in forever, and I almost forgot how much I love it. Quite unfortunate really. But time is a large factor and there's finally plenty of it during this season. I seem to always comment about this, and hopefully this is the last time.
I'm burdened and overwhelmed with how little money I have, and the pressure to have it in order to sustain my internship here with InterVarsity. I'm sure I'm speaking for more than half of transitioning interns in the history of IV.
It's not that I don't trust God in providing me with a job, it's that I don't trust myself in being on top of things. To some level, it's a two-way street. But this is probably a deeper issue of my own self-perception or it really is just me worrying that God is going to want me to go through a difficult of time of finding a job. The difficulties entailing, of course, the affirmation of my parents' thoughts of me taking the wrong path post-college and making me quit because I simply cannot support myself or I will find a job I absolutely hate and will never live up to the gloriousness of ResTV. See, that's the problem--how much is it me doing the work and God? I'm struggling in seeing what that exactly looks like. But who said that struggling in finances and interning with IV would have to mean it's the bad choice? Somebody did.
Let's just call that last paragraph "a stream of worry-filled thoughts" and not try to make too much sense of it. It's a bit too raw. Needs to be processed.
And to add to the list, there's many tasks left incomplete that will disappoint and set things back if Amy doesn't get on top of it as well as flooding thoughts of my relationships of all kinds, identity, spiritual growth, skin and other health problems, and all my other issues I need to deal with. Debbie Downer. Wa Wa.
After church tomorrow, I gotta work it out with the Man upstairs. It's gonna be wild and crazy. My kinda Sabbath. Oh yeah, there's rest involved too. Don't you worry.
My milk expired. Good thing I accidentally bought another half gallon before this one was finished. Fruity Pebbles await me. What am I, ten?
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR JULY 12, 2009.
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| A Little Visit to UC Irvine InterVarsity |
[16 Mar 2009|03:47pm] |
So I haven't updated in a while, and blogging is a freeing and fun experience. So here goes nothing. I know, you're on the edge of your seat in anticipation already. Oh stop that you. You're such a tease.
Spring Break is coming up soon, which means my last real quarter at UCLA (I'll be taking Session A Summer classes) is right around the corner.
It's coming all too quickly, but I'm guessing this is an inevitable feeling.
Last week was packed week with work, classes, meetings, finals/papers, and of course InterVarsity related things. On Wed, I had stayed up studying for my final, and then stayed up again that night to write a 10 page research paper. It killed me to get little sleep two days in a row.
What got to me more was having to endure 2 1/2 hours of traffic from LA to Irvine right after turning in that paper in the condition I was in. I was already running around all morning to prepare some things for an event we were having in place of Large Group for InterVarsity--Worship Through the Arts Night. I was sad to have to miss it in order to go to UC Irvine.
Now why was I headed over to the OC you ask? Well I was checking out UC Irvine's InterVarsity chapter in order to see if I wanted to actually intern there instead of here at UCLA for the next two years. I was completely shocked when my staff leader asked me to, as I was already settled with UCLA and such.
The settling feeling was because I was finally at peace with the next two years, though I knew it was going to be difficult. My parents had finally let go and actually told me they'd let me do it, even though "they're absolutely against it," as they firmly stated. This was a million times better and so much more than I could ask for surprisingly. They planned on moving out here to LA, and I had hopes to be close to them as I pursued my internship to minister to them and take care of them. I had also started engaging with the things I was going to take on next year and visioning and planning for my roles.
But God doesn't open doors for no reason, but though He does, it doesn't mean we always have to take them. I'm still engaging with why God opened up such a door. So I went and checked it out, because I believe I should be open to things, but in the end, I still have that choice of whether to go to Irvine or not.
Well visiting Irvine was so much more pleasant than predicted. Getting to know the two returning interns and the full-time staff, Linda, was nice. We had dinner at Lee's Sandwiches and then headed over to their Large Group that the freshmen were putting on. I got to talk with various of the students, as they had told some of the students at their Leaders Meeting that I was coming and that they should talk to me. haha. And so they did.
I enjoyed seeing a bigger picture of what God was doing on college campuses. Real and authentic faith was what these students carried, and their desires to be part of a community who both celebrated and worshiped God was really refreshing to see outside of my own InterVarsity community at UCLA.
In the end, I talked more with Linda at the infamous Cha for Tea (amazing black milk tea boba btw), and she was just so much more lax than expected. She was open and up for whatever was to come.
I headed back to LA and it was such a good car ride home. Traffic free and the music going, I was able to just really begin to soak in the many things God was doing.
Well, thanks to Jenny's car, I was able to get to Irvine. Poor girl got sick and didn't get to come with me. I felt really bad. But I got to talk with her a bit after I dropped off her car, and then headed over to the Co-Op to talk to Mel about it as well. I was hoping Helen was there too but she came in a little later and so that was good.
I never really enjoyed baseball all that much, except for the batting part, but this was definitely a curve ball that was thrown at me. But I'm still figuring out if it's one that'll take me to the next base.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR MARCH 16, 2009.
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| The Year of Hard Work |
[25 Jan 2009|09:56pm] |
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Ah yes, 'tis The Year of Hard Work.
This is so because it is The Year of the Ox and oxen are known to be hard-working creatures. So, Gung Hay Fat Choy everyone!
I spent a lovely weekend at home for Chinese New Years, as it is the biggest holiday for my family. Yes, more so than Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter--you name it. Therefore I couldn't miss such a holiday and am missing some classes and work tomorrow as I leave on New Years Day.
The feast consisted of some fabulous Salt & Pepper Crab, Braised Abalone & Sea Cucumber, Simply-Prepared Chicken, Steamed Cod, and much more. My mom even brought home the ten person table extension board as well as a lazy susan, and we brought a Chinese restaurant style round table home. It was awesome.
Now our family consists of the six of us: Dad, Mom, Vera, Me, Tammy, and my Aunt Jean. Why would we need to further extend the table? You may have guessed--we had some guests this year. An extension of...the family?
Tammy brought her new boyfriend, Charles to our dinner and my family welcomed him with open arms. My dad of course, was confident that his menu would woo Charles' Korean palette, but nervous at the same time. Charles was left stuffed and satisfied along with the rest of us. Well, that's what he told us I guess. Haha.
To top it off, Vera's boyfriend, who she just celebrated her two-year anniversary with, finally met the family. Yes, for the two years they had been going out, we had never met the man who we were told existed, but had never seen. 'Derrick' she called him. He ventured from Los Gatos/Saratoga area after work and met up with us after dinner. He, on the other hand, didn't seem to enjoy the food as much. But then again, he was extremely encouraged to eat while everyone watched. We put him in a terrible spot.
It was so nice to integrate this new part of my sisters' lives into the family. It really is like what you see on TV or the movies because, obviously, it's based on real life. It definitely was no "Family Stone," but it turned out well despite the language barrier and tiredness of everyone. They stayed until 2am.
What about ME you may ask?? Yes, I, went 'stag' to my own family's Chinese New Years party. What? Should I have brought a date to the dinner? Sorry, the idea of bringing a date just to bring a date sounds fun, but at the same time, sounds a little desperate for 'saving face.' It really is silly to dwell on the fact that I am the single sister, the one who has never dated or kissed a boy even.
But you know what? I shan't dwell. I can admit that. I vowed not to date in high school in hopes of finding 'real love' in college. But unfortunately, I didn't plan things out very well. My dating pool shrank immensely when I decided to take my Christian faith seriously. And I'm okay with that I think?
Yeah, insecurities of I must be weird or something, or am somewhat afraid of love might be the image I give off. But in actuality, I realized that with where I am at in life right now, being single is probably the best way to go. I don't think I could even handle a relationship in this season of life. So God's got it worked out for me, and I'm going to wait patiently for him to come along.
Dangit, he'd better worth it.
:)
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR JANUARY 26TH, 2009.
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| Back at UCLA |
[04 Jan 2009|05:53pm] |
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Break was filled with plenty of relaxing and being with friends and family. I even got to see some old friends from high school whom I hadn't seen for ages, and it was really nice catching up.
Well, I got back after a wonderful drive with a bunch of the senior class of BCF. We got back at around 930pm, and I basically just unpacked very leisurely while watching TV. It was wonderful.
Then I spent another relaxing Saturday not waking up until 11am, as I was exhausted from having a blast with the BCF seniors who came to visit and explore the good ol' Bay Area. It was wonderful to bond with them and to just have fun without worrying about the million things we have on our plates at school.
I went over to my dad and grandma's house in Rosemead for a late lunch and we did some shopping together. I'm trying to visit my dad more nowadays, especially since the family (some distant relatives of ours) moved out of the house he and my grandma were living in. He doesn't show it, as he is a hard man who doesn't express much emotions or personal feelings, but I know he's lonely. He's fifty-seven years old, away from his own wife and family and living with his nagging mother. I love my grandmother to death, but she is just a difficult woman to live with. Sure, his sister and brother work with him and he sees them all the time, but not having your own family is not the same. He won't admit that he wants Tammy and I visit him, but I can read it in what he says and how much he is willing to drop off things for me at UCLA. He's working in LA and has endured these past five years for me and my family. I can't wait for the day he and my mother live together again, as they're both better off that way. Of all the people in my life, I admire my father the most. The love for his family and the endless sacrifice is what I aspire to also do for my own family. He's the most intelligent man I know, and if he just didn't have such a hardened heart toward some people and Christianity, I'd be at peace with so many things. But I continue to pray for him and my family, and continue to build the faith that God can even work in someone like my dad.
After a late lunch and some shopping in Rosemead, I picked up some of the best Hong Kong style Milk Tea and Tapioca drinks from Phoenix, and headed back to UCLA. I lounged around and headed to Paige's as she was making a lasagna dinner for all of us! I had to walk out with a Biore Nose Strip as Tracy and Earl wanted to go right at the moment (and I wanted a ride and to hang out with them teehehe) I put it on and I was not about to waste one of those expensive suckers. The lasagna was sooo good, and we watched "Mulan." I love that movie, and no, not because I'm Chinese, but because it's just so fun to watch.
Last night, I couldn't fall asleep until 430am. I tried to fall asleep to old school "Star Trek," but the dwarf and mind-controlled women were too entertaining. But I eventually fell asleep and had a wonderful lunch with Alvin at Cafe 50s. It was fun and we got to catch up with each other. He also gave me "The Mummy" Trilogy for Christmas!! What. The. Heck. I was in shock as I love the movies, and I still hadn't seen the third one. He knows me too well. I can't wait to watch them all in a row! O_O
And right now, I sit at Iso Cafe, in my usual spot reflecting on the quarter and hoping to set some goals. Here are some:
-Finish the AFI Top 100 Movies List
-Exercise more or AT ALL (geez Amy)
-Cut down on soda
-Save money and not eat out as much
-Sabbath once a week
-5-10 minute showers to conserve water
-Three different hairstyles a week to make me more confident in how I look and not always be so afraid of change
-Figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life after graduation
-Pursue my friendships and relationships more
-Find a church
Well, that's some goals and New Year's resolutions for ya. My quarter is looking pretty sweet, as I don't have much class. But I know it will be filled quickly with stuff, but I hope to continue to manage my time better.
I'll post pics up later of my break, upon Katrina's request :). And of course, I do also like posting pictures and don't do it enough haha.
Time for more relaxing cocktails on the beach until the storm starts again. But this time, I've got on my wet suit and oxygen tank. Hope I don't need anything else.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR JANUARY 4TH, 2009.
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| Winter Break Is Ending Soon |
[30 Dec 2008|01:03am] |
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Well, my break wasn't as relaxing as I hoped.
It was definitely boring and inevitably relaxing because of it, but I spent most of my time cleaning the house and doing stuff for my family. The hardest part was feeling that everything I did was never enough, and it sounds so cliche, but I came to the realization that nothing I do will ever fully satisfy my parents.
I'm sure this is true for many people, but it's difficult when you realize it on whatever time you do. I did every little thing they asked me to--reading a billion letters and translating it for them to writing checks for their bills and mailing them to spending hours cleaning the house (dusting, vacuuming, steam vacuuming, etc.) to calling companies to running a million errands to cooking Christmas dinner to decorating the house, etc. And still after washing a billion dishes, they call me lazy for not washing the dishes after one meal.
The moment my dad came home for Christmas, I went to pick him up from the bus station and he started lecturing me the moment he got in the car. I honestly didn't do anything to provoke him. He just goes on and on by bringing stuff up. And when we arrived home, he then proceeded to tell me the decorations I put up were ruining the walls of the house and that it was a bad idea after my mom had told me they were tacky and childish before she left for work. My mom then kept brushing me off angrily and irritably while my dad kept pushing me to ask her questions while she was busy working at the restaurant and at that moment, I wanted to break down and cry. It was Christmas Eve.
It seems immature, cowardly, and even stupid as you read what I just wrote. Whatever it was, it was what it was, and I am what I am and I still feel like I want to journal about it despite its annoying nature to use my journal to complain.
All I wanted was a simple Christmas dinner. Not just settle for the usual food we cooked, but because I love cooking, I wanted to cook. I spent pretty much the entire Christmas day cooking and shopping for food. My family did appreciate the food, and I'm thankful they gave me so much freedom to shop and allow me to cook for them.
You see, what I'm getting at here is simply this: servanthood isn't about making sure that the work you put it slaving away for something should equal a certain amount of reward. But what I have just told you is from that mindset. If I didn't care what people thought or felt about how much I do, then I wouldn't have felt that way. True servanthood requires the complete selflessness that I lack, and that is the ugliness that is a part of me. I desire to change that part about me and hope that I will be able to really serve my family and my others without seeking the rewards. But it is, as cheesy and cliche as it sounds, simply out of love.
Well this was a way for me to vent a little.
I spent the entire day in San Francisco with about 30 people from our senior class in InterVarsity, and we brought them around a bunch of places. I got home an hour ago, and we'll be spending the day in Monterey tomorrow, and East Lake for dinner! They'll be here until the 2nd (at least half the people). So this is our senior trip and it's weird mixing some of my life at UCLA with life at home. It's been a little stressful having to plan and make sure that 30 people are enjoying themselves and accommodating everyone, but I love it.
Well this was an interesting entry because I'm in a weird mood. Better go to bed since I have to be up at 8.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR DECEMBER 30, 2008.
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| Holiday Madness |
[22 Dec 2008|09:36pm] |
I just spent the whole day decorating the house with lights, tinsel, gingerbread cutouts, snowflakes, etc. It looks awesome. SO worth it.
:D I love this time of year.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR DECEMBER 22, 2008.
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| Food Poisoning |
[17 Dec 2008|11:41pm] |
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I finally got home last night (Tuesday) to the good ol' San Jo! But unfortunately, this morning, I woke up at around 2am and managed to feel completely nauseated and yes, vomited. This happened again at 5am, 7am and 10am. Argh.
So I've been pretty much bed-ridden all day. My body was aching like no other, and I could barely move. A slight fever came rolled around in the evening. I had a slice of bread the whole day and some water and Gatorade.
I'm just sad that I had to start my break like this. I had so much I wanted to do! But, I hope I wake up refreshed and ready tomorrow morning. w00t.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR DECEMBER 17TH, 2008.
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| Pre-New Year's Resolution |
[13 Dec 2008|02:49pm] |
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Well, it looks like that time of year is rolling around again.
Shall I trust myself this year to follow through with my New Year's resolutions? Perhaps. But hey, every year, we are given another to chance to try again, so why not?
I am no half-wit and I understand that the new year is not here yet, but I was doing a lot of reflecting lately. This intense time of reflection was an inevitable product of me filling out my staff intern application for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.
So as I thought about the many screwed up things in my twenty-one going on twenty-two years of living, I could not help but reflect on my own non-existent love life.
The vulnerability button has been pushed, and you can't cancel the task, so much apologies ladies and gents. Just bear with me here.
I unfortunately began listing the reasons I believed as why the romantic activity in my life is zero. Things from my weird personality to my busy schedule to my impractical passions, I inevitably began to think about my own physical attributes.
So, I reflected more and more about my overweight and out-of-shape self and realized that I shouldn't lose weight to go ahead and get a MAN, but because truly my body is a gift from God that I have been disrespecting and not caring for.
So, as winter break comes around and New Year's Day approaches, I am going to eat healthier. I am going to cut down on the sweets, soda, boba, portions, fried foods, and fast foods. I am going to make it a point to exercise.
The funny thing is, I must have written a million entries like this before in the past. I just pray that I can go through with it this time.
I know what you all are thinking--Amy, it looks to me like you're losing weight so that the idle romance department in your life will begin operations.
I promise you all that I am losing weight for my own health and self and not in hopes of men being somewhat attracted to me. The thought process just led me to thinking about my own health.
But hey, I'm gonna be honest here, I'm not gonna close those possibilities though ;P
Alright party people, back to working on my application.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR DECEMBER 13TH, 2008.
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| Studying is hard. |
[10 Dec 2008|05:30pm] |
My brain is fried.
I haven't disciplined myself to study this much in ages. It's weird. I wake up and study and go to sleep after studying. So NOT my normal schedule.
I am completely accustomed to running around all day, doing a million things, and being around a bunch of different people. So I think my body and my brain hates me for staying in my room and studying. I feel especially tired and drained.
So I'm going to take a break right now and walk around or drive somewhere to refresh myself mind, body, and spirit.
:)
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR DECEMBER 10, 2008.
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| CELINE DION: A NIGHT TO REMEMBER ALWAYS |
[03 Dec 2008|11:25am] |
Celine. Celine Dion. Celine Friggin' Dion. Wow.
Back in February, a bunch of my friends decided to chip in to buy me tickets to a Celine Dion concert for December 2nd as my birthday present. I freaked out when I opened that envelope and found two beautiful tickets shouting "Celine Dion! Staples Center! 8pm! 12/2! "
My love for Celine Dion is now exposed. Go ahead, laugh all you want. You may think she's annoying, overrated, ridiculous, or over-the-top, but I tell you this: There's a reason why she had 3 million fans come out to 717 shows in Vegas for the three-year-turned-five-year contract.
So, you may be wondering why a 21-year old would be interested in Celine? Apparently, I have the taste of a 40-year old housewife--this is said to be music's most "uncool audience." WHATEVER.
Anywho, my friend Kathleen (another awesome Celine fan like myself and worthy of such a ticket) joined me and endured 2 1/2 hours of traffic from Irvine to UCLA. When she finally made it, we headed over the Staples Center while grabbing a good ol' fashioned McDonald's dinner on the way. Ohhhh yeah. Perfect start to the night ;P
We had to pay $15 for parking, and that wasn't even the ones right next to the Staples Center. As we entered the center feeling a bit out of place, we decided to get some drinks to fully enjoy the night and headed to our seats. A hilarious comedian Gordie Brown started off the night with some amazing impressions, both actors and musicians, and it was a great opening act.
Then the show began to start, and the opening video showed how the world tour had hit SO MANY cities already from Macau to Osaka to Cape Town to Sydney to Dublin to London to Montreal to New York. It was an awesome intro video.
Then they showed a transition video to introduce Celine and it was HOT HOT HOT. She was sporting this sexy convertible and I thought it was genius because she sang "I Drove All Night" as the intro, implying of course, she drove all night to get to L.A. to perform for us. Woah.
She performed many of her greatest hits and a few from her new album, "Taking Chances," and it was magical. Her backup dancers were AMAZING, and I thought it was it cool that they were two Asians, two Latinos, two African Americans, and two Caucasians. The talented musicians were so awesome as well.
The lights, colors, sound, and choreography really made me understand why the tickets were so expensive. I mean it's so much more than just her up there singing. She really works the stage and puts on a spectacular show. The woman may seem frail, but she was working that stage in her 3-inch heels in all sorts of outfits.
The only unfortunate thing was that there was some technical difficulty with one of the screens, and it delayed the show 20 minutes midway. I think she had to cut out a bit of her playlist because of it, which made me really sad :( Yeah, she even texted me when they were trying to fix the screen: "wtf at the tech ppl. i see you. lolz. ^_^" ...ok I may need help.
Anyways, she of course ended the show oh so epicly with "My Heart Will Go On." It was so beautiful. :*I
I had such a fun time with Kat and it was good seeing her after not seeing her for like 6 months or so.
I loved every minute of it and Kat and I came back with an awesome Celine Dion lanyard to hold our ticket in to remember always.
Man oh man, I'm still kinda in a trance. Thank you so much for everyone who chipped in for that experience. I can guarantee you it was money well spent.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR DECEMBER 3RD, 2008.
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| Thanksgiving Doesn't Feel the Same This Year |
[25 Nov 2008|05:26pm] |
It's that time again where families make an excuse to come together for a dinner with a universal menu of turkey, gravy, stuffing, candied yams, dinner rolls, cranberry jelly and much more. Some people will throw in corn and green bean casseroles while others will mix in their own ethnic foods. My family throws in steamed rice and stir-fry.
During this waiting time of going home (in which I will be on Wed afternoon), I anticipate to finally relax, do some studying, be with friends and family, catch on some TV/movies and breathe the fresh NorCal air and get out of the LA smog. My asthma is sensitive. Ahem.
But this year, there's a little bit of a different feeling. Something that doesn't quite sit right with going home. An actual slight feeling of dread.
The reason for this is simple. I'm going to be having a conversation with my parents about my future plans after college. But not just any future plans, plans that they would definitely not approve of: I am seriously considering being an intern for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship for two years.
Now this entails many things. Why would I consider such a thing you may ask? Well, I have come to realize and have grown a heart for college students during my time at UCLA and InterVarsity. I have learned that I want to influence college students in their faith and realize that there's a bigger reason why they came to college than just simply getting a degree. I would be working part-time with InterVarsity (mostly my nights and weekends) and the rest of the time I will have a part-time job elsewhere.
How will my parents react to this? Well here's something you need to know about them:
-They're not Christian.
-They came out of poverty and saved up all my life for my college education, and therefore I have ZERO loans to pay off when I graduate.
-They expect me to take care of them and provide for them in return.
-They don't believe in individualism and independence, but practicality and success in their eyes.
-They care immensely about their reputation and how people see them.
With that said, I'm afraid to even have this conversation. Nothing is decided. It's simply just talking with them. But I want them to know I am a true follower of Jesus and that I take my faith seriously. I want them to know I am beyond grateful for their provision and love and I can't even imagine sacrificing as much as they did for our family.
But it's just a conversation. A beginning. But I'm so scared. I know I'm not doing it alone. God is there with me as cliche as that sounds, but it's true. He's not sending me to the slaughter. It's not me and God vs. my parents. He loves them more than I even do.
However they react, I'm ready because there's no shaking up my faith. There's no shaking up what I believe because of what I have seen and experienced these past years in college. I hope this will be a time that will open up their eyes, not turn them away.
I tell myself these things because I want to believe them. I'm still thinking on how to have the conversation because I want them in on my decision-making and process. Final decisions aren't due until February. But application is due December 12th. Yikes.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR NOVEMBER 25TH, 2008.
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| Fresno Urban Internship - A Spiritual Journey in Seeking Shalom |
[18 Nov 2008|12:51am] |
It's never too late to share about my summer. Here's a pretty condensed version of my testimony of my time in Fresno. Enjoy.
Finding Out What Shalom Really Meant In My Life
I came into Fresno knowing a few things after being a Christian for about a good 6 years of my life. But not until being part of InterVarsity did I grow a heart for justice and through my tiresome experience of pursuing justice on my own, I finally understood that there is no true justice without Jesus. I tried to be part of non-profit organizations, grassroots movements, etc. but it was hard when people didn't agree with your core values of why we need to pursue justice and how we receive the hope, strength, and provision that we needed in our mission. I was a different mission, for a different purpose. I was living in another kingdom among many kingdoms. This led me to realize that I wanted to see how God could use me to reach out to the needy, the poor, and the spiritually hungry outside of my own pursuit of justice. So I embarked on the journey of the Fresno Urban Internship through InterVarsity.
In the short amount of time I was in Fresno, I learned about myself, God’s character, the city in relation to the Bible, community, the Kingdom and how to seek shalom. I saw brokenness in ways I had never seen before—-raw, real, and so much bigger than my own life. I saw poverty that robbed people of hope, integrity and even basic needs that led to heartache, desperation, feelings of false worthlessness—-and even love. Children who didn’t have the love of parents and yet the pressure to grow up fast and in the hands of violence, women who desired the warm touch of a husband and provider but fended for themselves by surrendering their bodies to strange men, and neighborhoods so forgotten by the rest of society that the only people who showed up were the cops to take care of distress calls. How did it get so bad? Whose fault was it? Why isn’t anyone doing anything?
These were questions among many I had after seeing such brokenness. But as I learned more about who God was and Jesus’ life here on this earth and what he did, and not the annoying, consumerist What Would Jesus Do? mentality, I decided to take those teachings in as much more than head knowledge. I tried to live it.
Jesus got into the mess of everything. I decided to do the same, though I was afraid. I was afraid to leave my comfort zone, not being able to communicate with my friends and family regularly, and the hard lessons that I knew I was going to learn coming to Fresno. I decided to get into people’s lives while learning how to live simply. For the six weeks, I attended urban ministry classes to learn about the city and how to seek shalom in it, I bonded with my FUI community at the Pink House where most of us lived, and I worked at Evangel Home, a women in crisis center where I tried my best to serve, care, love and hear the stories of the women there. It was not easy. It was challenging as hell.
At my site, my faith was stretched as I heard more and more about the undeserved struggles the women went through as they shared with me their stories. I questioned my trust in even a place like Evangel Home to take care of the needs of the women, and even the desires of the staff to want to really work in the lives of these women. But God continued to reveal Himself to me each day I was Evangel Home, and he continued to show me that I could put my faith in people even amid the destruction of society. He continued to show me that there was hope in this world and that He was working. Constantly.
There were several amazing people, mostly women, I met during my time at Evangel Home. One specific woman I met, Sharon, challenged me, opened my eyes, broke my heart, gave me hope and breathed life into me. Yes, an encounter like that really could do that for you. Sharon was 50 years old, and came into Evangel Home after being released from prison three days prior. This was her third time at Evangel Home, and after being at Evangel Home's 28 day shelter program for three days, she along with most of the residents came to a Wild Water outing. Wild Water is a fairly large water park in Clovis, a smaller suburb of Fresno. While eating lunch with the women, Sharon came up to me dancing with her headphones and had me listen to what she was listening to. It was a sermon mixed in with gospel music and I can see why the inspiration flowing from the CD player give her joy and comfort. She began to tell me how these sermons were getting her through so many tough times, and I decided to ask what she meant by that. She poured out her life to me. It blew me away.
Sharon was a grandmother and hadn't seen her family in years. She had been a cocaine addict, heroine addict, and a prostitute. I later found out by studying her records that she had been raped 25 times during her years of prostitution, and I was speechless. I also found out that this was her third time at Evangel Home. She went door to door trying to get her life back together, and the doors were shut on her as she could not find a place to live until Evangel Home finally opened her door. She was in prison for drug use, and vowed to never touch that stuff again she said. She was beat and taken advantage of in prison, and now being at the Evangel Home, she said she was being picked on once again by another resident. I didn't want to believe it. Could the staff really be ignoring such things as a resident physically punching another resident in the face? Sharon broke down and cried in front of me.
She barely knew her worth. How could she feel her worth or adequacy in such a life? She was broken, constantly beaten, no love or care from her own family, and it seemed hopeless for her to ever really get her life back together. But I needed to believe God did miracles and brought people out of the darkest of places. I needed to remember that God loved us all and that His heart breaks as our hearts break. I needed to know that Sharon's faith was strong enough to believe all these things. But I wasn't sure. And still am not.
Sharon left Evangel Home after a week, and I began to question a lot of things. Did Sharon leaving mean she was going to end up right back on the streets? Or did she find a better solution? Whatever it was, it was hard for me to come to work and not see her in the hands of a place that provided for her. A safe place with set meals and resources to help her move on with her life.
Sharon's story was what began my journey in Fresno. Her story showed me the realities of the inner-city, and the realities of the world. I now could put a face to what I heard, a face to what I knew. The problems of the inner-city came closer to home than ever before. I regretted not praying for Sharon as she shared her story for me. I regretted not pursuing a stronger relationship during her short time at Evangel Home. But I put those regrets away and spent the rest of my time in Fresno with no regrets and did my best to fully model after the life of Jesus and how he was with the people around him--relating to them, hearing their stories, caring for them and guiding them.
'Shalom' simply means God’s original intentions, a state of peace where everything was in right relationship with each other. And because of this, I learned that seeking shalom meant seeking justice and that was a deeper understanding of why I felt the desire and need to pursue justice. I had studied right relationships that God originally intended in Genesis. I engaged in conversations with people during proxe stations about how Jesus was the answer to restoring those right relationships. It all made sense now-—the simple word 'shalom' encapsulated all of that.
“Let go, let God” was another phrase that stuck with me even after FUI. I had simply heard it in one of the most powerful sermons I had encountered, and it was a simple phrase that made so much sense. Was I ready to let go of what I wanted, and surrender to God and let him into my life to be transformed and do His will? I believe I am on my way to that. I believe I am still on the search of what that means for me.
Hard lessons came out of FUI, but life changing, and life giving ones. I was challenged to find a multi-ethnic church because I realized more than ever that race really did matter, and racial reconciliation was crucial. I struggled with the frustrations of being a woman and how much that affected my time in Fresno, but also was affirmed about being a woman in leadership. I was convicted by a saying from James Chuong that the failure to love my neighbor was a failure to love God, as His commandment holds both in the same importance. I began to accept that we as Christians live in a different kingdom among many other kingdoms and needed to sort through the other kingdoms, even if it meant living a different way. The testimonies of those I encountered revealed to me that the inner-city is not hopeless, and that God uses people to transform souls in the darkest of places. But I also realized that seeking shalom is something God calls all His people to, but it doesn’t mean that everyone is called to the city. I still don’t know if I’m called to a life of urban ministry.
But what I do know for now is that God wanted to show me something because He made everything work out too perfectly in getting me to Fresno. Looking back, I’ve learned how much I needed to take what I learned and apply it to my time at UCLA, in my ministry, my future, my everyday life, and my way of living. I can’t say that I’m already there, but I’m trying. And as a good friend from my time during Fresno put it, what I can say is that before those six weeks in the city of the Fresno, I never realized I was missing half of Christianity.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR NOVEMBER 18TH 2008.
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| A Call For Celebration |
[29 May 2008|03:16pm] |
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mood |
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 giggly |
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Friends! Friends of friends! Fellow kin! Strangers! Creepy people who I don't know who read my blog!
I have wonderful news. News that calls for a time of major celebration.
Yes, I know you've already guessed what such an occasion is! It is my 10th year anniversary of being fertile. Or in other words, 10 years of menstrual flow, 10 years of suffering from cramps, 10 years of pmsing, 10 years of Tampax super unscented tampons.
10 years of my period. PERIOD. ahaha
10 years, a decade. A DECADE of such wondrous breaking down my uterine lining. The walls of my uterus came crashing down 120 times.
As one such Melanie Young has so wonderfully coined up, it is my "decacycle."
How can one NOT celebrate???
Picture the festivities:
A metallic red banner hangs across the room saying "Happy Decacycle! Flowin' For 10 years." Red balloons, Red Velvet cake, fruit bunch and red wine, goody bags filled with Midol and other menstrual necessities, "rag"time music (ahaha get it??), and party tampon poppers (Lisa's genius idea).
This is truly the icing on the cake to another wonderful year at UCLA.
I'll send the e-vites soon. Check your inboxes.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR MAY 29TH, 2008.
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| Weather Pleasure |
[07 May 2008|10:32am] |
I must say, and it is worthy of a post, I am loving this weather in 90024 these past few days.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR MAY 7, 2008.
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| Tired, Fatigued |
[05 May 2008|03:08pm] |
I've been feeling pretty tired lately. It's a strange sense of exhaustion that I can't really explain, but I managed to fall asleep sitting up while trying to study for another midterm tomorrow. I'm in public, at Iso Cafe, and it's kind of embarrassing to do so. But whatever :(
Things have been on my mind as usual, mostly things I have to take care of, but it seems God is giving me a lot of grace by getting me through it all. It just kind of sucks that I've been telling myself all year to just take things as they come and enjoy each day, but not until now have I really felt it.
I was shocked this morning to read in the news that the cyclone disaster in Myanmar (Burma) had reached a death toll in the 3000s. The last I read was 350, and to wake up to such a huge jump in numbers and probably even more at a continuing rate was a sense of shock and sadness that you can't help but pause for a few seconds to let sink in.
These things do happen, and there are numbers of explanations for them. We can react in an angry, sad, or apathetic way to the situation, but either way, I can't help but feel depressed by the fact that we will move on with our day and list of things to do. My midterm this morning seemed so insignificant after closing my laptop to standby and grabbing my notes to head to BruCafe.
I don't really stress about academics anymore, which I think is not necessarily a good or bad thing. It went to the point where I was worried that I wasn't worried about my studies ahaha. Worrying has found other things to take hold of in my life, and academics isn't one of them.
I know, I know. Matthew 6:25-34. Work in progress, that's what we all are and it is a good thing.
I've slowly learned that I'm becoming more introverted. Yesterday, at leaders meeting for IVBCF, we had to make timelines that reflected the significant events of the year. It was a lot harder than I thought to go ahead and think of what impacted me this year, but after a while of thinking, it came to me. God showed me a lot of firsts this year. First time leading in several areas in a Christian setting, first time out of North America to China, etc. But I've seen how I have become so much more self-aware of who I am. I have matured as a person in a way that really has changed my world view and perspectives in life. I have motivations, drives, and aspirations that actually make sense. I have also realized this entire year, I ate about 75% of my meals by myself, and rather enjoyed it to some extent. I was worried because it didn't seem healthy, but I have come to accept that it is fine and I like just sitting and thinking on my own. It may appear rather strange from the outside--but I like retreating to cafes to do my work, eat, and writing LJ entries. haha. But don't get me wrong, I am still an ENFP for life. Well, for now at least :)
Well, to end such an entry off, I must say that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds' engagement is surprising, but they're beautiful people who deserve each other. It'll one day be my turn. *looking up hopefully at the ceiling of the upper level of Iso Cafe*
Happy Cinco De Mayo!
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR MARCH 5, 2008.
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| Skid Row |
[24 Apr 2008|03:21pm] |
On Monday, i was able to go to Skid Row with Grace, Grace's boyfriend Cord, Cord's friend, Daniel, and Thomas. After swiping tons of food and drinks to bring, thanks to our IVBCF Sunset Small Group, we took two cars because of all the food and headed to skid row. Grace, Cord, and Daniel went on ahead while Thomas and I followed behind.
We parked on 6th street as usual in front of Midnight Mission. It was a bit chilly out, and I could see the need for blankets and sleeping bags. As usual, we opened up the trunks to the cars and took out the boxes of drinks and food and placed them on the sidewalk. The many people of Skid Row began to swarm as usual, as we handed out sandwiches and pizzas, with some asking for two sandwiches for their supposed uncles, wives, friends, and husbands.
Conversations do not begin with the people of Skid Row unless you start it. Conversations are what opens our eyes to their life stories, and conversations are the closest interactions we'll ever get to these people because of various reasons.
So conversations began.
Grace and Thomas struck conversation with a man named Sean, and Cord began talking to a man named Robert. They were friends who had happened to pull up to Midnight Mission in a brand new red sports car when we arrived, and their friendliness and charm attracted us to initiate conversation.
Passing out the food was a bit more hectic than usual, as a few people started causing trouble with each other right where we stood and stomped over our empty boxes. I admit I was a bit startled, but Sean told us not to worry. One man chased after another, and I was glad it was away from our area. One sassy woman accused us of spitting in the drinks and decided to check herself by doing a phlegm inspection of her cup. And without a doubt, the evidence proved us not guilty.
After passing out all the food, which always goes very quickly, I decided to take Daniel around Skid Row, being that it was his first time there. Not that it was a relaxing stroll or anything, because it is definitely not a safe place at 10:30pm in the evening, we decided just to walk a couple of feet and talk to one of the security guards of Midnight Mission and hear a bit about his story. Most of the employees of Midnight Mission are part of the 18 month program that gets people off the street and their lives back together by giving them these jobs and a very small stipend for their work. The "Courtyard Sympathizer" as they called him, was a drug addict and still working out some things. You could tell he had a heart for the people there, and he was everyone's best friend. After a good conversation, Daniel and I decided to head back to the group.
And that's when she came.
Lucy had one of the brightest smiles I had ever seen anyone have at Skid Row. She came on over and pierced my heart with the question: "Is there anymore food?" With much reluctance, Daniel and I told her that we were all out, and that we were very sorry. She persisted in asking for food, seeing if there was a piece of bread or anything we had in our pockets. But at that point, we were empty-handed. She continued in explaining why she came so late and how she had only eaten a small hash brown all day at breakfast.
After much of what seemed like complaining, she finally said something extremely beautiful. Yes, beautiful. She told us if it wasn't for her belief in God, she would not be okay with missing the food and having someone steal her sleeping bag on such a cold night. She smiled and reassured us that her faith was going to bring her up. But in times where we can be as hungry as Lucy was, we become desperate. Our flesh is weak as it says, and we give into what it desires. And I tell you this, Lucy was desperate.
Lucy asked that we go out and buy her a "juicy, 99 cent hamburger from McDonald's." Me and Daniel looked at each other, and as she insisted for about five minutes in telling us how we didn't even need to get out of the car and that she slept at the corner of the street, we gave in of course.
But how the hell we're we supposed to find a McDonald's at 1130pm at night while also not knowing the area?
Well, we didn't find one. But we did find a Mexican restaurant and bought two tacos for Lucy with the cash that I had.
She was thrilled when we walked over and gave it to her. She jumped around and waved her arms in the air and thanked us and said it was going to be a good night and that she didn't even care that her sleeping bag was stolen. How simple it was to make someone like Lucy happy for a night.
Lucy asked for our names and thanked us and held our hands lovingly. As it inched closer to midnight, some people were yelling at us to make room on the sidewalk. Lucy grabbed my hand and pulled my ear close to her and whispered that I should leave now because "there was some activity going on." With that cue to leave, we left.
It was almost like prying off Sean and Robert to get them to stop talking to the rest of the group. As almost all conversations here goes, it's very one-sided and we rarely get to say a few words. For about an hour and half, Grace, Cord, and Thomas listened to life lessons and life stories from Sean and Robert. But of course, it's always refreshing.
Sean and Robert thanked us, and it made the whole experience once again even more worthwhile. He said he was a Trojan at heart, but he just found a place in his heart for us Bruins. They were so genuine in their gratitude for us being there.
This is why I go to Skid Row. Stories can just be stories, and even boring and stale stories. People can be just be people, and even boring and stale people. But pouring your heart out and challenging yourself to go to a place that is unfamiliar, dangerous, and filled with people that this world has abandoned even if it is for two hours isn't just for them.
It's for our own growth as a person, and for my world perspective. I want to get out of my bubble and I think I slowly am. It's not something to make myself feel better, or to preach to anyone. That's not what all of this is about. But what it is about is my own reflection on my own life and purpose, and being a human being and not just a "human doing." Being human requires being around other humans of all kinds.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR APRIL 24, 2008.
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| Yahoo!, You Better Check Yo Self |
[22 Apr 2008|10:35am] |
I am one of those millions of people who would oppose to such tasteless material on the super information highway. And yes, it is just because they decided to be funny and put my queen, my inspiration to my nonexistent love life, my soul soother, and my UNguilty (which makes it 'innocent' I guess?) pleasure.
But you know what? I stand here, a stronger woman today, for the battles that lie before me are all part of being a Celine Dion fan. People will continue to ridicule, to wonder why I have the taste of a 40 year old woman, to laugh in my presence as I belt out the beautiful lyrics of "I'm Alive."
As Celine Dion said herself, "A new day has come." Yes, a new day has certainly come Celine. And I shall continue on listening to your "decade of song."
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR APRIL 22, 2008.
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| Three Things |
[21 Apr 2008|04:01pm] |
1) I finally got my course reader for one of my classes and it's 4th week of the quarter. I am the queen of procrastination.
2) The New Chocolate Mix Skittles is absolutely disgusting. It's like Tootsie Roll pellets gone wrong. And I don't like Tootsie Rolls.
3) I realized in order to go play basketball as my exercise in the morning, I need to buy one. Another thing to do on my list.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR APRIL 21ST, 2008.
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| The Weather Is Melting Me and My Mind |
[14 Apr 2008|01:25am] |
I tan REALLY easily. I can't believe it. I got a watch tan in a matter of two days. Wow.
What's worse is my glasses tan. It has forced me to not wear my glasses when walking to class and various other activities out in the sun, which also includes me having bad vision which is not necessarily good when someone is waving to you from afar and you have no idea who it is.
I have also come to realize I need to become more healthy. I'll admit I have no confidence in the way I look, and I need to work on that. There's a need for balance between loving the body God gave me even if I'm overweight, and yet respecting that body by giving it the proper exercise and food it needs.
So I think I'm going to do it.
I'm going to try and cut out soda and only have one cup of coffee a day, unless I'm like overly stressed and working, then two. I'm going to play basketball at least three times a week, and workout in the mornings on tuesdays and thursdays. My lifestyle needs to change--even though I'm always on the go, I'm not giving my body what it needs.
I also need to commit to academics. I have not done any reading, and I'm already 400 pages behind. I'm ridiculous. I'll admit it.
Okay, with all of these vows at such an odd time, I hope to come back to this Livejournal a changed woman very soon.
THIS IS AMY SIGNING OFF FOR APRIL 14, 2008.
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